


Lookin' at You like a Star

by L4sht0n



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, But it isn't really, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Low-key, Luke Loves Ashton, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, ashton doesn't love him back, both are idiots, but Luke says it's fine, but they work it out, for 13k words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-29 18:44:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20086981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L4sht0n/pseuds/L4sht0n
Summary: It was a stupid thought, really. Cause Luke wouldn't have this disease if Ashton loved him back, but it didn't stop Luke from flushing the two flower petals in the toilet before he exited the bathroom as if nothing had happened."You okay, man?" Ashton asked as Luke closed the bathroom door after him. "You look like you saw a ghost," the brunet said, grinning slightly at his own stupid remark. Luke, as the stupid love-sick fool he was, couldn't help but grin along."I'm fine," Luke muttered as an answer. He didn't feel bad, but he wasn't fine. So, it was really a lie – but it wasn't the truth either.--Or where Luke has unrequited feelings for Ashton, but he can live with it. Or so he says.





	Lookin' at You like a Star

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a thank-you-one-shot for 200 followers on Tumblr, but it took its own turn, and it turned into this long ass thing meaning I have more than 200 followers and publish it late as usual, haha. Also posted on my Tumblr (lasht0n-trash) and Wattpad (-night-stalker-).
> 
> This is 13,6k words, and boy, am I proud! I don't usually write one-shots this long, but this story really did take its own turn, and I spent so much time on this, however, I'm very happy how it turned out. Most of my one-shots feel rushed, but this time I gave myself time to write the thing out. I could've continued this forever, however, I think it's best to end it sometime. However, since I suck at finish things, I might write a small, short part two to tell what happened after.

Hanahaki, it was a beautiful word Luke had thought the first time he'd heard the word, but that was before he learnt about the deadly disease. How it would eventually kill you if it wasn't treated. However, if it wasn't treated properly, you'd slowly die on the inside. It was a sad disease really.

There would grow flowers in your lungs until it would choke you to death. You'd end up miserable coughing up flower petals. The cause of the disease? Unrequired, or one-sided love. There were only two ways to cure the terrible sickness – the person returning your feelings. Or operating it away. However, the operation didn't just take the disease away, but also your feelings for the person whom you'd loved. In some cases, people lost the ability to love completely. Leaving them surviving, but only on the outside.

When Luke coughed up a pink flower petal he cursed loudly.

"Fuck," it was low but loud enough to hear. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." The man was in a state of panic and didn't know what to do. It was only a petal, but it meant that things had gone too far. He shouldn't be feeling this way for Ashton. Really, he shouldn't. It was his fucking bandmate! That clearly didn't feel the same way.  
It was so clear that Luke had caught the disease and was now coughing up flower petals (okay it was only one.) in the hotel bathroom.

However, it wasn't really Luke's fault! How could it be? How could people expect Luke to walk, talk and live around Ashton Irwin – a synonym for Greek God – and not fall for him? Ashton was so smart and good with his words. He could probably woo everyone over – even President Trump if he tried hard enough. Ashton was caring to everyone he loved, and to the fans. He was so pure and good-hearted. He was witty and considerate. Funny yet sassy. In a way he always made people feel good, not to mention how talented the male was. Because he was so talented, and honestly, deserved more recognition.   
Luke hadn't even begun on how Ashton looked, because his looks were just out of this world. If there ever was a definition of perfect Ashton Fletcher Irwin would be it.

Luke was head over heels in love with the boy, obviously. But it wasn't his fault! It was clearly Ashton's. How could someone just be allowed to be that perfect? Shouldn't it be illegal or something?

He coughed again, and he cursed again as he saw the pink petal in his large hand. There was something so alluring about the flower petal. It looked so pretty, so innocent and pure – like it couldn't be the cause of one of the world's deadliest diseases. It was only naïve, to think the flower couldn't hurt the blond – because it could. It already was. Filling up his lungs until he couldn't breathe anymore.  
For the moment his breathing was fine, but in two or three days, he'd notice it. In a month, he'd be stone cold.

Ironic, how Luke could actually die from heartbreak?

The blond should just call the doctor, to have The Hanahaki Disease removed, but there was something holding him back as his long fingers lingered over his phone. Maybe it was the fear of losing the ability to love again? What if Luke lost his love for music? His life would be over if something like that happened.  
He could might as well die if something like that happened.

Maybe it was the fear of losing his love for Ashton? Or maybe, maybe it was a slight hope that maybe Ashton could return his feelings?

It was a stupid thought, really. Cause Luke wouldn't have this disease if Ashton loved him back, but it didn't stop Luke from flushing the two flower petals in the toilet before he exited the bathroom as if nothing had happened.

"You okay, man?" Ashton asked as Luke closed the bathroom door after him. "You look like you saw a ghost," the brunet said, grinning slightly at his own stupid remark. Luke, as the stupid love-sick fool he was, couldn't help but grin along.

"I'm fine," Luke muttered as an answer. He didn't feel bad, but he wasn't fine. So, it was really a lie – but it wasn't the truth either.

"Okay, just looking out for ya."

-

Luke knew he had fucked up when he chose not to tell anyone he had The Hanahaki Disease. But it just seemed better to not worry anyone, or more exact not to worry the band and his fans. They did everything for him, and he didn't want to let them down just because he caught feelings for someone he shouldn't really be crushing on.

Besides, how was Luke supposed to tell anyone? "Yo, Michael, I got The Hanahaki Disease. Lmao." He couldn't joke with such serious matter, but Luke wasn't really in the mood to call for a band meeting and tell them straight out he had the disease and that he was scared shitless.  
Luke had known them for eight years now, and he could already predict their reactions. They'd ask who it was, so they could "lay in a good word for him". Luke didn't need a wingman. Or wingmen. After Luke would tell them he didn't want to tell them, this would only fuel the fire and make them ask even more.

The only way to prevent his ears to bleed was to tell who it was right away, which was not happening. Luke confessing to his crush? Unlikely. Luke confessing to his crush in the near future? Impossible.

In a way, Luke hated crushing on Ashton, because he was too kind. He was so kind that he'd let Luke down gently as if the blond didn't already know. Of course, he knew. He was coughing up petals for a reason, and that reason was not that Ashton returned his feelings.

Luke justified not telling his bandmates because he had a self-proclaimed good reason. He still had fucked up nonetheless. When he coughed up flower petals under a radio interview, next to Ashton he knew. He knew. Luke knew he had fucked up. The angry glare from Ashton said it all. Luke. Had. Fucked. Up.

Ashton was kind enough to not say anything, letting Luke have at least some dignity left, but Luke could see it in the brunet's eyes. He was hurt and very angry, but maybe most of all disappointed? As Luke coughed up, he was lucky enough to turn away from the microphone. Which the radio host was probably grateful for. This was a good decision until Luke realised, he was now facing Ashton. It was really nothing to freak out about, the last days he'd been able to conceal his coughs – at least Luke thought so.  
This was until those hazel eyes that were eying him closely got a glance of a pink petal.

Those calm hazel eyes that Luke always found soothing, flared up and changed in the matter of milliseconds. The gaze turned more intense, and Luke could see the scowl now visible on Ashton's face – but he just turned away in shame as the coward he was. Now was not the time to say anything about it. Even though Luke knew that if he could he'd not comment it ever.

"Ashton, you okay there, mate?" the host asked, he too noticed the change in Ashton's mood. Luke could see right through the brunet's fake smiled as he put it on.

"Yeah, I just remembered that one time Luke spilt coffee on Calum because he tripped at his own feet," Ashton brushed off easily, but Luke – probably Michael and Calum too – could see how fake it was.

"Oh, do tell," the host said, and Ashton started telling the stupid story. Which was sadly true.

The car ride back to their joint hotel room was awfully silent, it consisted of Ashton glaring angry at Luke, and Luke who tried to distract himself by looking away. Not to mention Calum and Michael's concerned or confused glances at the two of them.

"What happened between them?" Calum asked Michael. It was an attempt for a quiet whisper, but Luke still heard it. He didn't comment though.

"Looks like they had a fight," Michael answered back, and even though Luke couldn't see the blond male because he was sitting behind him -he could almost hear the shrug afterwards.

"They were fine this morning, and we've been with them ever since," Calum pointed out, and Luke could hear how confused he was. Like he couldn't understand the situation, and Luke was thankful the black-haired male hadn't seen it either. But he would know any seconds now. It was only a matter of time before Ashton told them – before he lashed out on Luke. Luke would know, he'd known Ashton for years now. And he was also head over heels for the boy.

"I don't know man," Michael said, this time for sure following up with a shrug.

At the hotel room, Ashton exploded, and Luke was grateful he at least saved it 'till after Calum closed the door. The blond male was actually surprised Ashton was able to contain his anger for so long, Luke would have blurted it out halfway under the interview. Even God knew he would.

"What the hell!" Ashton screamed at Luke, and Calum was ready to interfere. Luke could already hear Calum starting the words 'calm down, mate' but Luke cut him off with a single hand gesture. Calum stayed silent, watching the two with warry.

"What the hell, Luke!" Ashton's voice was so angry, but deep down he was just hurt. Luke felt bad for being the cause of it, but he had no excuse to justify hurting Ashton. Not even his own security. Ashton's hands pushed him against the wall, face so close to his own. Luke could feel Ashton's unsteady breath fan his skin. Luke would admit that this was a fantasy of his, or maybe the other way around, him pushing Ashton against the wall kissing him until none of them had the lung capacity to keep going. But not like this.

"Wow, Ashton chill." Michael touched Ashton's shoulder to calm the brunet down, but Ashton didn't even budge. Never had Ashton been this furious before, and it was probably scaring Michael and Calum. Screw, probably. It was scaring Michael and Calum.

"You have the disease! You have The Hanahaki Disease, and you didn't tell us! Why? Are you stupid?" Ashton said it all while still being so close to his face. Luke would only have to move some inches to kiss the other male, but he couldn't. Not just because it was inappropriate in this situation, but because he had the disease. He had it because Ashton didn't love him back in the same way. So, he held his ground, the only smart thing he'd done since deciding not to tell the band about his deadly disease.

"Wait, what?" Michael was shocked, frozen. Calum even more, the raven-haired boy couldn't even make out a word.

"Isn't that right, Luke? I saw you coughing up a petal under the interview. Don't lie, I know you got it. Why didn't you tell us?" Ashton's hazel eyes were digging into Luke's, and Luke could see the hurt. He felt bad for not telling them, but in a way, it had seemed better not to. He didn't want them to worry about him, he could take care of this himself. Though he obviously couldn't.

"I ... I got it," Luke muttered. Why did it feel like he admitted to having chlamydia, or something?

"And you didn't tell us?!" Calum was raging, everyone was, and it was just a mess. Luke felt like crying, screaming and laughing, but he maintained a calm face – trying to explain himself. Even though there were no explaining in this situation. Even he knew that.

"I ... it just seemed better not to tell you, because you'd worry and-.." Luke began.

"Of course, we'd worry!" Ashton interrupted.

"When did you get it?" Calum asked, and Luke could tell they were hoping he'd say yesterday or the day before that. The answer was worse.

"A week ago," Luke mumbled.

"A week ago?!" Michael was screaming, and Luke flinched. Never had he seen his friends so angry, it was justified anger, and he'd be just as mad if any one of them had the disease and hid it for a week. Yet at the same time, it was unsettling. It was unsettling seeing his best friends like this. He understood it but hated it nonetheless.

"Unbelievable," Ashton let go of Luke, and in rage, he took the nearest thing – a flower vase – and through it. It shattered in a million pieces, and Luke could only think of a broken heart as he saw the pieces lying on the floor. "You've hidden this for a week?!" Luke didn't know it was a question or not, but he nodded anyway.

"Who is it anyway?" Ashton asked after he calmed down. He was still angry, very angry, but his voice was lowering to a more audible volume. Luke only shook his head as an answer. He could, theoretically, admit his feelings towards Ashton – but not in this very moment. It just seemed wrong.

"Are you kidding me?" Ashton's rage seemed to muster up again. "First, you won't tell us about the disease, and now you can't tell us who you love?"

"Does it matter? They clearly don't love me back anyway," Luke said, his eyes threatening to spill his tears, but he managed to hold them back. He didn't need to cry now. He could do it later alone in the shower, or something. Somewhere no one could see or hear him.  
It didn't take a genius to see Luke was hurting, and everyone seemed to calm down. Luke didn't care that it was out of sympathy, he appreciated it either way.

"It must be someone good," Michael joked but was silenced with a glare from Calum.

"We just want to help you," Calum tried, but Luke only shook his head.

"I can't tell you who it is."

"Why not?" Calum asked. Those brown eyes looking at him so softly, and Luke really wanted to cry and tell them everything, but he said nothing.

"Because they don't like me back. They won't either. Even if you talk to them. You can't just make someone fall in love with you."

"So, when are you going to take the operation?" Ashton asked silently.

"I don't know if I'm going to-..." Luke wasn't allowed to finish his sentence.

"You're taking it," Ashton said so firmly. Luke was almost afraid not to agree.

"I will lose all my feelings," Luke pointed out. Not disagreeing, but not entirely agreeing either. Life without his love for Ashton seemed dull, even if it was just one-sided love. Luke didn't want to live without it, even if he could die.

"If you don't go through with it, we will lose you. Do you want to die?" Ashton asked, and Luke couldn't even stare into those hurt hazel eyes. He felt like shit. If only he was brave enough to tell Ashton why he'd risk dying for him. If only Ashton would understand. "You have to take it," Ashton almost begged this time, and Luke felt guilty for causing the sad look on the brunet's face.

"I'll lose you," this time Ashton only whispered, and Luke only nodded. Words weren't necessary. Mostly because Luke was at a loss of words. He didn't know what to say, so he kept his mouth shut.

"I – I'll think about it," Luke mumbled hoping to end the discussion, but boy was he wrong.

"Think about it?!" Michael was screaming, and Luke flinched slightly. "What about us? Your family? The fans? Don't they matter?"

"Of course, you do! All of you matter!" Luke screamed back, feeling the tears starting to build up again.

"Are you willing to throw all of it away, just for unrequired love?" Calum asked.

"You guys don't get it! You're just lucky you've never experienced it. You guys love me, the fans love me, my family love me, but what's that worth if I can't love you back? If I can't even love myself?" Luke asked looking at them, not looking away. What was life without love?

"Luke," Ashton began, but Luke interrupted him.

"Stop, just stop. You're guilt tripping me. I – it's my decision."

"We're trying to show we care!" Ashton shouted back, probably angry. Luke understood that Ashton tried to show how much he cared, how much they all wanted him to live, but Luke couldn't just live without his love for Ashton. His love for life, for music and other people. Life without love was grey and dull – meaningless, and Luke never wanted to experience it.

"Well, it's my choice!" Luke said, and with that, he stormed out of the hotel room. He sped over to his own hotel room, the four of them had been fighting in Calum's room.

"You don't get to walk out on us!" Ashton shouted after him and tried to catch up to Luke, but Luke was quicker than Ashton, and closed the door and locked it right before Ashton caught up to him. Ashton kept knocking on his door for a while, but he didn't bother staying there for long when he realised Luke wasn't going to open the door for a while.

When Luke was sure Ashton was gone, he slid down the door and chocked a sob. It wasn't Ashton's fault Luke had caught feelings for him. But Luke really couldn't take the responsibility either, how could Ashton be that gorgeous and expect Luke not to fall for him? Luke knew he wasn't unlovable, but he still felt like a piece of trash. Unlovable, and good for nothing. It seemed like nothing he did was good enough. He couldn't tell Ashton how he felt about him, it would upset Ashton, and Ashton would feel guilty. But not telling Ashton wasn't fair, and Ashton ended up upset. Luke didn't want to hide it, but it just seemed better to not tell. Ashton didn't love him. If he did, Luke wouldn't be coughing up flower petals.

-

It had gone two days since Luke's revelation about having the disease, and overall the atmosphere was tense. Calum and Michael treated Luke like a hurt animal and gave him pitying looks when they thought he wasn't watching. Ashton on the other side went cold. He refused to speak to Luke. For two days he hadn't spoken to Luke more than he had to. And it hurt. It hurt so much, but Luke only accepted it. Telling himself it was his own fault anyway.

Having Ashton ignoring him should have made it easy for Luke to fall out of love. He should try to move on, and having Ashton refusing to look at him, should have made it easy. But it wasn't any easier. Luke still loved Ashton, even if the brunet refused to talk to him.

"Luke, me and Cal's gonna gout for a drink or two," Michael started, waiting for a response from Luke. Luke looked up from his phone, having spent the last hors in Calum's room. Calum's room was the largest, so they all gathered that, with the expectation of Ashton who refused to be there as long as Luke was.

"You're welcome to join," Michael continued and maintained the eye contact with Luke.

"Thanks, Mike, but I think I'll stay in," Luke replied, trying to fake a smile, but it disappeared of his features as soon as it was there. Almost like it hadn't happened. If Michael had blinked, he would have missed it.

"That's what Ashton said too," Michael continued, and Luke furrowed his brows. Until it clicked. Both Michael and Calum had known both Luke and Ashton would decline. This was their way of giving them space so they could make up. If Luke had the balls to make the first move because knowing Ashton Luke knew he wouldn't do it. Ashton would stay mad at Luke until they both were only skeletons left.

"Yeah, but please try to talk to him. I think he took it the hardest out of us," Michael said, and with those words, he was out of the room. Calum following silently behind, only giving Luke a short nod. Luke didn't know if it was Calum's way of saying that Luke could do this, or if it was some sort of goodbye. Luke didn't care much either.  
The blond was planning on talking to Ashton, but not right now. It was too early. He had to wait a while, so it seemed like he'd come on his own rather that Michael or Calum had forced him to.

Of course, he wanted to square up with Ashton, but Luke didn't want to lose his love for Ashton either. He couldn't just take the operation, but right now it seemed like he was losing Ashton either way.

The blond stretched up from where he'd been sitting and walked out of Calum's hotel room. He walked out of the black-haired male's room and walked to the opposite side of the hall and knocked quickly on the door. Knowing that if he delayed it, he'd back out.

"Cal, I said I wouldn't join," Ashton answered hoarsely, and Luke wondered if Ashton had cried. Not that he could blame the brunet Luke had cried a lot too.

"Ashton, can we talk?" Luke asked, and tried to speak loud and clear enough for Ashton to hear him. Instead of mumbling the sentence like Luke wished he could. He could hear shifting on the other side of the door, and Luke guessed that Ashton was moving closer to the door.

"What do you want Luke?" Ashton asked, but didn't open the door. And Luke didn't dare to check if the door was open, to prevent invading Ashton's personal space.

"I ... I just wanted to say I'm sorry for not telling you," Luke began.

"I'm not mad because you didn't tell me. Though it hurts that you felt that you needed to keep this from me. Your best friend. I'm mad because you're doing this to yourself," Ashton said, and Luke could hear some mumbling on the other side of the door. He could almost make out the words "and me."

"I know," Luke replied. "Please, Ash. Just open the door." Luke begged, but the door didn't open, even though Luke knew Ashton was still waiting to hear what Luke said.

"Fine. It's not like I want you to suffer. It's not like I want to cough up petals, I just-. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll lose interest in music. I'm scared I won't love you guys, my family. And what about the person I love? I don't want to live in a world without passion."

"I wouldn't have said anything if it didn't affect me, us. But it is, Luke. It is. What will the band be doing if you die? The fans? How do you think Cal and Mike would be doing if you just died? How would your mom and your brothers take it? What about me? We need you, Luke, alive. It's selfish of you to just, not accept help when you can get it."

Luke smiled slightly, though he shouldn't really be smiling. But this whole conversation showed that Ashton cared. He was mad at Luke because he cared about him, not because he was insulted, but because he feared to lose Luke. And it made Luke's heart flutter, even just for a second.

"I won't die on you. Not yet," Luke promised. "It's too early for that. We'll grow old together, haven't I told you that before?"

"That was before the disease," Ashton only replied.

"I promise to out-live your old ass," Luke joked. He could feel a real smile displaying on his features this time.

"Is that a challenge?" And with that Ashton opened the hotel door. Finally, letting Luke inside, and Luke didn't hesitate a split second to get inside.

"You bet your ass it is," Luke replied. He closed the door behind him turning to face Ashton. Ashton's eyes were red and puffy, and Luke guessed he'd been correct about Ashton crying earlier. He did, however, not comment on it. Ashton didn't say anything, instead, he buried himself deep into Luke's chest. Hugging him so tightly that Luke wondered how he could maintain breathing. But it didn't matter. He hugged Ashton back as if the boy would disappear if he let go.

It didn't matter if Luke couldn't breathe properly. He'd even stop breathing for Ashton. Luke was so head over heels for Ashton.

"So, are you taking it?" Ashton asked after he released Luke out of his death grip.

"Not right now," Luke began, not wishing to start a fight. "But if nothing changes I will. I refuse to die at the age of twenty-three."

"Do you think they can love you back?" Ashton asked so softly, and Luke smiled slightly – even if the smile came from sadness and not from joy. Ashton had always been softer with Luke than the other bandmates, maybe because Luke was the youngest? Luke didn't know, what he did know, however, was that it was partly why he fell for Ashton. Together with all the other perfectly valid reasons why Luke couldn't help but give his heart to Ashton.

"No," Luke answered truthfully, "they already do," Luke continued, "but not like that."

"Stuck in the friend zone, again and again," Ashton jokingly sang, and Luke chuckled even just a little bit, though it was the harsh reality.

"Shut up, it's the truth. Besides, that song isn't even that good," Luke replied, not in the mood to joke about his broken heart and unrequited love. It would be funny if he wasn't coughing up flower petals, but he was.

"Sorry," Ashton apologised quickly, and Luke dismissed it. He wasn't mad or anything. It just kind of hurt that his unrequited love joked about Luke's love was unrequited. "Who is it, anyway?"

"Please don't ask," Luke begged, and Ashton only nodded understandingly. Allowing Luke to have his personal space. For now, at least.

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Because it would ruin everything."

"How?"

"Please, just don't ask. I'll tell you when I'm ready," Luke promised.

"You promise?" Ashton asked, looking at him with those hopeful hazel eyes, and Luke would only be a fool to decline such a sweet request. Of course, he'd tell Ashton. He'd have to work up enough guts to tell Ashton because it was fair to let the brunette know, and when Ashton had let him down in a nice way. Only then would Luke go through with the operation.

"Yeah, I promise," Luke said, even linking their pinkies as if they were ten years old, and that was the highest level of sealing a promise.

They fall asleep on Ashton's bed cuddled up, Ashton wrapped up in Luke's arms. He felt content and safe having Ashton in his arms. Even though Luke knew that this wouldn't last forever. That this was only temporary bliss. Ashton and Luke wouldn't cuddle daily, because they weren't dating. Luke still let himself enjoy this moment, ignoring the hurt that would replace the bliss tomorrow.

-

Maybe the first Luke didn't fuck up was a few days later. Maybe that was the first time Luke finally did something right? The blond couldn't be too sur, it seemed that this damned sickness had the habit of fucking up his life, or maybe it was just him that was fucking up because of the sickness? Maybe Luke was just stupid?

A few days later Luke fucked once again, or for the first time in forever didn't. It really depended on how you saw it. Luke, himself, would say he didn't. Michael would disagree.

Luke was strumming his guitar playing melodies from older songs he'd learnt when he was much younger. And a few melodies for future songs that were yet to come. He hummed slightly along and was content. For the first time in weeks, Luke was relaxed and let himself get lost in the music. His burning passion, outside of his love for Ashton.

The brunet was laying on the sofa next to him, scrolling through different social media and whatnot. Luke didn't know exactly what the brunet was doing and didn't really care either. For what Luke knew Ashton was playing Candy crush. Luke didn't really give damn, what he knew was that Ashton was on his phone. Content in the presence of Luke and his acoustic guitar. Sometimes, even joining Luke's humming if he played a song, he was familiar with.

They didn't speak, didn't need to. Living on top of each other since Luke was a skinny, awkward sixteen-year-old did that to them. They were so familiar with each other, that Luke forgot Ashton wasn't family. Luke did, however, break the silence. Much to his own dismay.

"Ashton," Luke started and didn't really know how to tell the brunet this. He had to do it, and he had to tell the other male in a serious way. Fearing that if he didn't Ashton wouldn't believe him.

"What?" Ashton asked, his hazel coloured eyes perking up from his phone.

"I-..." the sentence died along with Luke's courage, but Luke had to do this. Luke was going to take operation soon, he had decided, and Ashton had the right to know before Luke took it. It was just cowardly to tell the brunet once his love for him was gone. "Remember when ... you all found about me having The Hanahaki Disease?" Luke asked, and cringed at his own question. He thought taking a new approach would help him, but now it only seemed worse than just straight out telling Ashton he loved him.

"How could I not?" Ashton asked, and laughed slightly.

"And remember I told you I couldn't tell you who it was, well that's because-.." Luke was interrupted by Ashton.

"Yeah, and I've been thinking. What if it was someone in the band?" Luke gulped, had he been that obvious, had Ashton really seen through his bad act? "And the more I thought of it, the more it made sense. I understand why you'd fall in love with Calum, he's a great fellow. Though he probably only got brotherly love for you-..."

"Hold up," Luke said, "Calum?! You think I'm in love with Calum?"

"Yeah, it makes sense the way you look at him," Ashton replied, but he seemed slightly unsure now.

"I'm not in love with Calum," Luke said, and the way he empathised it convinced Ashton. Luke was not in love with Calum. "You were pretty right assuming I'm in love with someone from this band, it's just not Calum. Or Michael. It's you, Ash. I'm in love with you. And I know you don't return my feelings. I mean, I'm coughing up flower petals, aren't I? So, you don't need to worry about turning me down, I've already told myself that like a thousand times. I just – you deserved to know before I took the operation. Even if my love for you, my passion for music, my love for my family and myself are all important, it's just. I made a promise to someone I love to outlive them, and I'm not breaking that promise yet. I'm not even halfway to fifty."

Ashton looked at him with wide eyes, and Luke could feel himself grow self-conscious. However, he didn't dare to break the eye contact he shared with Ashton. Ashton said nothing, just looked at him. So, many emotions flashed through Ashton's eyes, but none of them made it to his face. He just remained blank, not saying anything. And the silence started to become too much. Luke respected that Ashton needed some time after dropping a bomb like that. But Luke couldn't take it. He needed to hear Ashton say something. Even if was just a rejection he'd imagined so many times before.

"Ashton, please. Say something."

"You're joking right," Ashton whispered, his voice not reaching a higher volume than the soft murmur. But it was fine, Luke didn't care. He just wanted the brunet to say something, and not stare at him with judging eyes before he spat out how much he hated Luke. (Another frequent imaginary scenario.)

"I wouldn't be joking about something this serious," Luke replied, his volume matching Ashton's.

"I don't know what to say," Ashton's sentence trailed off to a place going nowhere. Just like's Luke's, unrequited love. It was a train going nowhere. What else did he get from this ridiculous love expect heartbreak, tears and a possible life without love? Ashton's hand went up to his face and covered his mouth, a thing he always did when he was about to cry. Somehow thinking that if he hands covered half of his face people couldn't guess he was crying. As if the tears didn't give it away.

And there it was. The tears. Ashton was crying. Because of Luke. It stung to know that Luke was the one that caused Ashton tears. Out of the many scenarios Luke had imagined this was not one of them. He didn't want Ashton to cry, but now that Luke thought of it, he should've anticipated it. Ashton was a soft soul with a kind heart. All Ashton wanted to do to make everyone happy, and Luke had often comforted Ashton when Ashton felt like he had felt. Even if he hadn't.

"I don't know what to do," Ashton said, through his tears, and Luke only wished he could wrap his arms around Ashton. And he would've done it too if it wasn't for the fact that Ashton didn't love him back. Like that. "I just, wish you'd told me sooner. I could've made it easier for you."

"No, you couldn't," Luke argued back, "Ashton you can't force yourself to fall in love with me. This is the reason I didn't tell you, because you'd try to act as you loved me to make it easier for me. When it would only hurt more because I'd know it was fake. Ashton, I love you for being you, so just keep being you."

"But- I don't want you to be sad because of me. You're sick because of me."

"Ashton, shut up!" Luke said, and the teary hazel eyes met his own, "none of this is your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault I fell for you. You can't blame yourself for me loving you. I won't allow you to feel guilty. This isn't your fault, and it's not mine. It's no one's fault. It is what it is, and we have to accept it."

"You're hurting, and I can't even do anything about-..." God, why did Ashton have to be so pure? It was one of the many reasons why Luke loved the brunet and was ready to give him his heart at his request. He'd do anything Ashton asked, and he wouldn't even question it.

"You can," Luke said and interrupted Ashton. The older male wiped his wet eyes and looked at Luke with such desperate eyes. Like he was almost willing to do whatever Luke was going to ask. Almost like he loved Luke as much as Luke loved him. But he didn't. Luke's disease was proof of that.

"Tell me." Ashton couldn't love Luke back in the same thing, but he could try to do the small favour Luke was asking him.

"You can stop blaming yourself and let us move past it. I'm taking the operation soon, I think I'll take it in Sydney. Talk to my family first, and then we'll move beyond it. Like best friends, okay?" Luke was tearing up as well, but he tried to hide it. What good would it come from the two of them crying? Ashton only nodded while his eyes pretended to be the Niagara Falls.

-

"Yo, so I heard Ashton's your crush," Michael said, and despite his bad wording, Luke nodded. Not blushing, not feeling awkward, no nothing. Like Michael had asked him what he ate for breakfast.

"I also heard he was pissed," Michael continued.

"It was more like sad," Luke corrected. "I mean, all he did was cry and blame himself. Typical Ashton for thinking it's his fault." Luke mumbled the last part. This time feeling his cheeks getting somewhat colour, but he hoped he could conceal it with looking down on his phone. Like a tweet roasting his hair was the most interesting thing in the world. Both Michael and Luke knew that it wasn't.

"Oh, then you didn't hear what I did," Michael said, and Luke could hear the teasing tone in his voice.

Luke only shrugged as an answer, pretending he didn't care. "I probably didn't," he agreed, and Michael sulked a bit. Luke was no fun. He acted like he was already over Ashton when he for a fact wasn't.

"Aren't you even going to ask me what I heard?"

"Oh, great Michael. God and saviour. Please, tell a mortal like me what you heard," Luke said in the least enthusiastic voice he could muster up, and the blond boy his side sighed as an answer. He plopped down on the sofa Luke was laying on, barely squeezing Luke's long legs before Luke moved them.

"He was with Calum, and he shouted stuff, and I heard the sound of things being thrown. Calum telling Ashton to calm down, and something along the lines of 'how dare he fall in love with me,'" Michael told him and elbowing Luke in the side to get Luke's attention. Luke met the older man's face only for the green-eyed man to wiggle his eyebrows.

"And what am I supposed to do with this information?" Luke asked, still as uninterested as ever. Ashton being pissed or not didn't really concern Luke. To some degree yes, especially since Luke loved Ashton. But in the end, they were two different people, with two different lives. What concerned Ashton concerned Luke just as much as it concerned Calum and Michael because they all shared the role of best friend and bandmate. Luke wasn't Ashton's lover, and wouldn't be either.

"You haven't heard half of it," Michael continued, "he said he wished he could just fall in love with you. Then he started to name perfectly valid reasons, if I say so myself, why you'd be a good partner."

"Ashton," Luke paused a bit, "said that? For real?"

"Yeah!" Michael said excited, "maybe you won't need to take the operation?" Michael said hopefully, and Luke only sighed. He knew Michael only meant well, but it still pissed Luke off. He wasn't angry at Michael more at what Michael had told him.

"Stupid cunt," Luke cursed as he got up from the sofa and barged down the hallway to see Ashton. He stopped in front of Ashton's hotel room and knocked harshly at the door three times before Ashton opened the door. Luke rushed inside, without any explanation, but calmed down a bit when he saw the hotel room. It was a mess. True to Michael's words things had been thrown around, and Luke knew they had to pay extra for the room.  
Not that they couldn't afford it.

Calum was also present, but Luke couldn't care less about the raven-haired boy right now. All he could care about Ashton, and how angry he felt right now. "Didn't I just tell you, you can't force yourself to love me?!"

"What?" Ashton asked a bit surprised, but Luke knew that Ashton knew what he was talking about.

"Michael overheard some of your conversations and told me. Ash, I told you, that you can't force yourself to love me romantically. Just like I can't force myself to unlove you. Stop with your stupid naming of reasons why you should love me, it won't help you catch feelings if that's what you think," Luke was just sad Ashton felt the need to force himself to love Luke when he didn't. It wasn't Ashton's fault, but Ashton didn't seem to believe so.

"Guys, I think this is something, you should discuss without me," Calum suddenly said and left the room, but it barely was noticed, Ashton was to busy with staring into Luke's burning glare, and Luke was just too pissed right now to care whether Calum was here or not.

"And what am I supposed to then? Just sit here and do nothing?" Ashton shouted back. "I can't sit around and do nothing, and lose you knowing I did nothing!"

"You're supposed to do nothing. You don't see Calum or Michael trying to catch feelings for me, do you?"

"Yeah, but you don't love them like that, it's different! I'm the one who's feeling guilty!"

"You're not supposed to feel guilty, Ash! I told you not to!"

"Well, I don't control my feelings, do I?"

"You don't, so you shouldn't try to fall in love with me, you can't decide that. Besides, you're acting like I'm going to die. When I'll be fine. I'm taking the operation in Sydney, and then everything will go back to normal," Luke said and stopped shouting. He tried to reason with Ashton, and shouting wouldn't deliver the message across to the brunet.

"Yeah, but you'll lose your feelings," Ashton mumbled.

"So, it doesn't matter? You don't return them anyway," Luke spoke harshly, it was like he was telling that more to himself than to Ashton. And he was. He had told that to himself so many times, and he started to believe it too. His feelings didn't matter, but there was still a part of him that wanted to keep them. A part that appreciated the way Ashton looked in the sunlight. A part that appreciated the smile displayed on Ashton's feature. How hard working the male in front of him. The way Ashton smelled after a concert, musky and sweaty. A part that loved Ashton with his very being.

"It's selfish," Ashton started, and Luke only shook his head. Nothing about Ashton could ever be selfish, Ashton was the most caring person Luke knew. "But I want you to have them. I want you to have your feelings for me. Because-..." Ashton trailed off but didn't let Luke say anything. He looked at him with his hazel eyes dared Luke to speak, and Luke kept his mouth shut. For the moment.

"In a way, it's charming, that you fell in love with me. And it makes me feel so wanted. And- I don't even know, but you could catch for everyone else, but it's me, and I just," Ashton stopped his rambling, "like it."

Luke didn't know what he was supposed to reply. Ashton liked Luke loving him because he got attention. Yet Ashton wasn't known for being an attention whore, actually, Ashton tried to stay out of the spotlight. Loving to play the drums in the back. So, why would Ashton admit to liking getting attention from Luke? It didn't make sense to the blond.

"Why?" Luke was on his way to start a question, but it was never really finished. Before Luke could continue Ashton had pressed his lips against Luke's. And Luke died. He straight out died. This was what he'd wanted for such a long time. He'd wished, hoped and dreamt for feeling Ashton's lips against his own.

Luke had imagined this moment so many times, yet he couldn't bring himself to kiss Ashton back. Ashton's lips were moving against his unmovable lips. And it just wasn't fair. Luke had been rooting for this moment since he realised, he had more than just friendly feelings for Ashton – and now that it happened it was wrong. Ashton was just kissing him out of pity.

It wasn't like that Luke had wanted his first kiss, and hopefully not last, would go. So, he pushed Ashton off him. "Don't give in to my desires," Luke just whispered, and ready to leave the room. Maybe he should go cry in the shower? Sounded like a plan.

"This is my desires," Ashton told so truthfully, and yet Luke had problems believing him. Why would Ashton desire to kiss Luke, when Luke was still coughing up petals?

"I don't understand," Luke said because he really didn't. He didn't understand what Ashton tried to tell him that kissing Luke was Ashton's desires. When it clearly was Luke's.

"Just, please let me have this," Ashton almost begged, and who was Luke to decline such sweet prayer. The least he could do was to answer it, even if it was selfish. So, they kissed.

Their lips crashed together like the great ocean meeting the dry land. Like it was inevitable like it had almost meant to be. Almost as if, God or Destiny herself had a long time ago since the creation of the Earth decided that this kiss would happen. Everything up to now had led to this kiss. At least, that's what Luke felt. Because it felt so right. It felt so goddamn right, and he hated it. Because this was only for one night only, he shouldn't be feeling this good when he pressed Ashton up against the wall.

He shouldn't enjoy the sensation of Ashton's hands curling around his neck, or the way his body felt pressed up against his own. Luke shouldn't love the shivers that moved down his spine as Ashton's fingertips played with the hair at his nape. Luke shouldn't be loving the way Ashton tasted and felt like, but he did. He loved it all so much. And it wasn't fair that Ashton did this.

It wasn't fair that Luke let him do this.

Before all Luke had, had was his imaginary scenarios that could never be compared to this, but now that Luke had felt and tasted Ashton, he could imagine it, he could dream of it. He could long for it. It was fair that Ashton did this to Luke because now Luke would crave it. But he wasn't strong enough to push Ashton of him. To return to his own room, and cry in the shower like he had planned to do. Even when they would stray away from the wall – lips still very much locked – and over to Ashton's bed didn't Luke muster up the balls to do the right thing for himself, Ashton and his heart to let go. Because he wanted this, needed it. Like oxygen.

So, they kissed. And kissed. And kissed. And kissed. And kissed. And kissed. And kissed. Until their lips were swollen, and Luke was sure most of the salvia in his mouth wasn't his own. Until the heated make out session turned into just lazy pecks.

-

They pretended like the kiss didn't happen, and that was fine by Luke. Sure, it hurt like a bitch, but it was still fine. What else had expected anyway? Ashton and Luke weren't lovers. The very reason why Luke was coughing up flower petals. Because his love for Ashton was unrequired.

Luke did, however, get through with his plan the very next morning. – When Ashton woke up and pretended, they hadn't spent the entire evening sharing kisses like a couple, and Luke played along to make it easier for himself and Ashton. – He did cry in the shower. Subtle and private. Just like Luke liked it. He didn't have anything against the band seeing him at his worst. They had done that many times before, he just didn't want them so him at his worst because of Ashton.

God, Buddha and Vishnu knew Ashton would feel guilty.

They had a concert this day, and all Luke wanted to focus on was the show. Not the disease. Not Ashton. Not an operation. No kiss. Not even crying in the shower. Like he'd do after this show. Not only because he'd be sweaty and in great need of a shower, but because some of their newer songs from Youngblood reminded Luke too much of how he lived his life in a one-sided relationship. Basically, some songs reminded Luke of heartbreak and Ashton – and though he loved those songs they did provoke feelings that were better left untouched.

"Good evening Los Angeles!" Luke greeted, and the crowd cheered back at him, and a big grin made its way onto his face. He loved this feeling. He loved performing for a crowd, and Luke would literally fall into depression if he lost all sense of love after the operation. However, the doctors were skilled, and Luke had faith him them just removing the sickness without any further damages. It was the only thing he could hope for.

Calum spoke into the mic, and Luke didn't catch what the boy said, too occupied with his own thoughts. The feeling of being here, in front of thousands and they were all there to see him. It was just something fascinating about it. And Luke loved it.  
This was the only thing keeping Luke sane. The crowd, the band as a whole and the music. This was what he lived for Luke thought to himself as adrenaline buzzed through his veins.

The show went okay, more than okay. The show went great. They were at the end now. They were playing the last song of the night Babylon, and Luke thanked God for nothing having any parts for the song. All he had to focus on was to play the guitar and keep his mouth shut, and Luke could do that. He could feel the need to cough, and Luke didn't want to cough in front of the crowd.

The last thing Luke needed was a worried fanbase filled with grieve and conspiracies. Not to mention journalist upon journalist running the story to see who got the most reads from their clickbait header. Especially since Luke hadn't told his family yet. He could only imagine the angry call he'd get from his mom. She'd ground him, even if Luke was a twenty-three-year-old male who lived alone. No, it was the last thing Luke wanted.

But fate had it in for him. Fate just had to screw him over, and Luke couldn't hold it back at the end of the song. Which was ironic, because the song had just finished. A few more minutes and Luke wouldn't have to worry anymore. But no. Fate was a real bitch sometimes. Maybe it was karma? Though, Luke recalled no proper reason he should be punished like this. Maybe he did something in his past life? Or maybe, maybe fate and destiny thought Luke's life was going too well?

Either way, Luke coughed. Some people awed at it, and some filmed it. Luke cursed, a tried to play it off with hiding the petals in his hand. Maybe he could sneak them into his pocket very subtly, while Ashton thanked the crowd for being amazing?

At least, that's what Luke attempted on, but he failed. Miserably. One, just one, a petal fell out of his pocket onto the ground. Luke hoped that most people didn't notice, and they didn't. Luke even stepped on it and thought that was a close one, but he was safe now. Oh boy, was he wrong. Right, when Ashton was getting off his drums to join the three at the front of the stage to take a bow and leave did the worst imaginable happen.

There was no denying that Luke's condition had grown worse. He hadn't taken the operation, and Ashton hadn't miraculously grown feelings for him. So, of course, Luke's condition had grown worse. It's just that he hadn't it to grow this bad as it was. Right there, on stage, with thousands of eyes watching his every move, Luke got his worst coughing seizure yet. It was almost like he was vomiting pink petals in his hands. It was bad. And everyone saw.

People began to scream, immediately recognizing the flower petals as The Hanahaki Disease. It was just screaming upon screams and Luke couldn't even make out a word, far less a full sentence. All he heard was rambling. The only thing that actually made its way to Luke's ears was a single question. "When did you get The Hanahaki Disease?"

"I," Luke mumbled into the microphone, and the crowd went dead silent, "I don't want to talk about it," was all Luke said. "Goodnight," with that Luke hurried off the stage, dropping the mic somewhere on the stage, and everyone's gaze followed him until he was out of sight. Off the stage, Luke felt so much safer, but still not safe enough. He felt sad, regret and ashamed. Like this was somehow his fault. As if Luke could've prevented this in some sort of way. It was just his inner demons getting to hi, and Luke knew that nothing about this was his fault, but he still felt guilty and embarrassed. Seconds later, that felt like hours and hours, Luke crumbled together. He couldn't breathe, and tears were streaming down his face.  
Why did he have to catch these stupid feelings for Ashton anyway?

In the distance he could hear Ashton, Calum and Michael hurriedly thank the crowd before they ran off stage to find Luke. But their voices just echoed in the distance, Luke felt like he was too far gone. Despite being right there. It wasn't hard to find him, they found Luke sobbing in a corner, trying to make himself as small as possible which didn't work out that good for him, him being a large man of 6'4 feet.

"Let's go," Ashton mumbled, dragging Luke with him to the car that would take them to the hotel. They were so quickly out of the arena, that fans hadn't even had the time to surround the car which Luke was grateful for. He wasn't in the mood to talk about it. He wanted a shower before he went to bed. That's all Luke wanted to do now, and probably for a few years to come.

Back at the hotel Luke was quick to slip away from the guys. Not that he didn't appreciate the,, but he wasn't really in the mood for Calum's reassurances of how everything would fine, and how no one would judge him. Luke just didn't care for the moment. He wanted a shower and sleep. He could worry about the press tomorrow.

Luke stepped into the warm water, a bit too warm for his taste, but he wanted to feel nothing but the burning sensation on his skin, so he let it be. It would distract him from his enormous fuck up today. Later it could maybe develop into a funny memory, but that day was not today. The shower was like fire on his skin leaving t angry and red, but still Luke let it be. Ashton had always enjoyed warm showers though, Luke thought as he was soaked by the warm water. In a way, Luke hated how his thoughts would always go back to Ashton, even if he didn't mean to. Like now, he was just trying to shower for fuck's sake.

"Luke?" There was a knock on the bathroom door, and Luke sighed. Thanking heaven, the sigh was concealed by the shower. It was no other than Ashton fucking perfect Irwin outside of his door.

"Ashton, I'm kinda in the middle of a shower!" Luke shouted back as if it wasn't obvious, Ashton could already hear the shower, so why did he even bother to ask for him?

"Can I join?" Ashton asked, and another sigh escaped Luke's lips. It wasn't like Ashton didn't have a shower in his own room, because he did. He definitely did (Luke had seen it), but Luke did agree nonetheless. Who in their right mind would deny showering with the person the loved? Not Luke, for sure.

"Yeah, sure," Luke agreed, and as soon as the words left his mouth the door creaked open and Ashton entered. He was quick to strip down to his birthday suit before he joined the shower with Luke as if they shared showers all the time. But they didn't. True enough this wasn't the first time Luke and Ashton had showered together, but Luke had tried to avoid it after he realised, he liked Ashton in more than a friendly way, and Ashton hadn't really minded because everyone liked some privacy.

They were fine for a while, Luke just washing his hair, and trying to not smell of sweat, until Ashton started to be a bit more intimate than one needed to be, despite sharing a shower was already pretty intimate. Luke, tried to play it of like nothing until he realised Ashton biting his lip like that and holding onto Luke's shoulders was not for support, but to tease Luke. The fucking tease. Ashton had the nerve to shower with Luke, who clearly loved Ashton, and tease him. It was almost as if Ashton was asking for it, and who was Luke to decline a request, an unspoken one, but still very audible request?

Luke crashed his lips against Ashton's who smirked into the kiss. Ashton had been waiting for it. And pinned the slightly older boy up against the wall not even caring that he was leaving hickeys all over Ashton's neck. Technically, Ashton had asked for it, Luke reasoned with himself as he went to make another visible mark. He enjoyed the small moans and whimpers that escaped Ashton's lips a bit too much. Not that he'd tell the brunet that, of course. Or admit it to himself.

-

Luke woke up with his arm messily thrown around Ashton, and it made Luke feel so much better knowing that he didn't wake up to an empty bed. Ashton was still there, still asleep, and it calmed Luke a bit. For a bit more he could pretend he and Ashton lived in a happy fantasy where the two of them was a couple. When they weren't.

Nothing was wrong with fooling himself for a second thought, even if the aftermath were Luke continued his life as Ashton's anti-lover was hard on his heart.

Luke and Ashton weren't lovers. They hadn't been lovers. They wouldn't be lovers. They weren't lovers. Luke and Ashton weren't lovers. They hadn't been lovers. They wouldn't be lovers. They weren't lovers. Luke and Ashton weren't lovers. They hadn't been lovers. They wouldn't be lovers. They weren't lovers. Luke and Ashton weren't lovers. They hadn't been lovers. They wouldn't be lovers. They weren't lovers.

A mantra Luke kept telling himself, despite knowing this it didn't stop the blond to snuggle closer to Ashton. Forcing himself to remember the feeling because once Ashton woke up, he'd remove himself from Luke and that could be the last time Luke had snuggled with Ashton.

Their Australia trip was approaching and after that Luke wouldn't love Ashton anymore. They'd go back to normal. Luke would be healthy, but unhappy. But what didn't he do for Ashton's happiness? He was so sickly in love that he'd do everything and anything Ashton asked him.

"Morning," Ashton mumbled into Luke's neck, and Luke could feel shivers move down his spine. Ashton continued to lay in the position much to Luke's surprise, but he reasoned with himself that Ashton was still tired and would pull away quickly when he was more awake.

"Good morning," Luke said back, not really feeling that this morning was good, but he said it nonetheless. To spare himself the heartbreak, Luke, believe it or not, was the first one to pull away. He left the bed completely and redrived his phone. He hadn't touched it since yesterday, and he wasn't pretty eager to see all the notifications that had ticked in. It was worse than usual, way worse.

However, Luke was quick to delete most he could see, and the only thing Luke actually did was tweet out a message that confirmed him having the sickness, that he'd take the operation very soon and that he wouldn't answer any further questions. It was to keep the fans updated, but Luke did feel that it was a personal matter, and he the right to keep this to himself if he wished to. Even if he was a public person.

"Luke, come back to bed," he could hear Ashton whine from the double bed, and Luke was only moments from jumping back in, but he restrained himself. Instead of going back to sleep and cuddling Ashton like Luke wanted to do, he turned off his phone, so he didn't have to see the endless spam on Twitter and Instagram. It would only bring further negativity in Luke's life he didn't need.

What he continued to do was find some clothes for the day and looking over at Ashton. "I think I'll have a shower," he mumbled. Thinking that was the best way to reject Ashton proposal with not a blunt no but brushing it off because "he had other things to do." It was complete utter bullshit, but it was easier for Luke's heart, so Luke stepped into the bathroom – making sure to lock the door so Ashton couldn't enter.

For real this time Luke cried in the shower. His cries only continued when Luke noticed a few minutes later that the door handle was yanked down, followed by a knock on the door. Luke knew Ashton wanted to enter, but Luke couldn't let him, so he rushed his shower. Feeling guilty of ignoring Ashton – despite it being for the better.

When Luke entered his room again, Ashton was still there. Much to Luke's surprise. More surprisingly enough Ashton was wearing Luke's clothes. Luke had always loved it when Ashton wore his clothes. Maybe because it was a cliché thing couples did? However, the blond decided against commenting. Feeling that it was better if he just kept his mouth shut.  
Maybe because Ashton would realise his mistake and change into his own clothes. It was better to just ignore it. It was just Luke's hoodie anyway. Nothing special about it.

"Wanna go out for breakfast?" Ashton asked son innocently, Luke couldn't help to accept. Not that he was ever going to decline. Luke didn't have the willpower to turn down his crush when he asked Luke out for breakfast, and Luke could pretend it was a date. Even when it wasn't.

That's why Luke found himself replying, "sure, is Calum and Michael coming too?"

"I haven't asked them yet," Ashton mumbled, "but I can if you want to."

Luke knew he had painted himself into a corner. If he said 'yes' it would send Ashton signals that Luke didn't want to be alone with Ashton – when that was exactly what he desired. If he said 'no' it could seem like Luke didn't want Michael and Calum to come – because he wanted Ashton for himself. Which would probably be a bit uncomfortable for Ashton since Luke was, he one with unrequited feelings, not Ashton.

"I-..." he began unsure how to continue. "Whatever is fine with me," Luke shrugged. It was the truth, whatever was fine with Luke, he liked to have the whole band together. But being alone with Ashton was fine too. However, Luke doubted his heart could handle it.

A car trip, pushing through the paparazzi's, and a bad disguise from Luke (a cap and sunglasses) later the four of them was finally seated at a local café in peace. Well, if you counted awkward silence as peace. Ashton refused to meet Luke's eyes, despite it was the brunet's idea of inviting the other two. (Though Luke had implied it.)

The blond didn't dare take off his cap and sunglasses, despite he was already recognized twice. He just felt safer behind the glasses. Luke had often thought of spicing it up a bit, maybe wear a fake beard or moustache, but he'd never seen those plans through. Knowing it would be too lame. Though, he also knew that the fans would get a few laughs. However, it would go into the handbook of events they'd refused to let go. Even as eighty the remaining fans would remind him.

"Dude, what happened to your neck?" Michael exclaimed when the kind waitress had served them their much-needed coffee. Michael sitting next to Ashton saw another angle of the brunet than Luke, who sat straight in front of him.

His blue eyes narrowed, and he hoped Michael didn't mean the hickeys. It would be way too painful to hear Ashton mutter something about a girl as if Luke never had been there. However, when Luke looked at Ashton's neck he wasn't met with the love-bit he had left. It was a ban-aid covering the hickey.

"It's just a scratch," Ashton lied and stared at his plate, not meeting Luke's eyes, because he knew he'd be met with Luke's frown. That liar couldn't even face Luke. Luke hadn't expected Ashton be a liar and a coward.

Luke could feel his heart drop after that. Did Ashton hate the hickey from Luke so much he had to cover it up? Why did Ashton even bother wearing Luke's clothes, if he only wanted to do romantic gestures with Luke in private?  
The blond kept his mouth shut for the rest of the breakfast and ignored Ashton's worried look.

-

Finally, they were heading home. They were a plane ride away from home, from Australia. Sure, it would be a long plane ride. But they were almost home, and Luke couldn't wait. He just wanted to get home, see his family and take the operation. All would be good after it. Maybe Luke would feel his passion for anything, but did it matter?

Luke had promised Ashton he'd live on, and Ashton didn't return his feelings so what was the point clinging onto it? In his head, he could admit that he didn't wish to lose his love for Ashton, but those words would never be said out loud. It was unbearable knowing in a few days he would feel his heart skip a beat when he looked at Ashton. However, what was more unbearable was knowing that didn't do anything he'd die, and he would be the cause of Ashton's tears.  
He had promised Ashton to stay alive, and nothing in the world could prevent Luke from keeping it.

Taking the plane used to excite Luke before because it meant he was going somewhere unknown. It was a small adventure, it still was, but Luke was so accustomed to it now. Taking a plane was apart of his job, and it was more of an old habit than a small adventure that it used to be. Of course, Luke could expect more if you did one thing all the time it lost its value. However, Luke couldn't help but wonder if the operation would leave an after-effect much like this.

To Luke, right now, Ashton was a small adventure. Something so familiar yet very unknown. It was thrilling, and Luke found himself always wanting more of the brunet. But after the operation, would Ashton just be something dull, an adventure Luke used to get excited by, but now just an everyday thing he was used to? It was almost worse than losing his feelings, to remember how he used to feel, but not able to recall that feeling.

For the first time ever, Luke wished he could wake up with amnesia, and he found a strange irony in his own song. Like fate played a strange game of mockery. Maybe it was? Why else would Luke fall in love with his own bandmate, like a walking cliché?

The plane ride was quiet, except for at the beginning where Ashton had argued with Calum to change seats so he could be seated next to Luke. Calum had given in not wanting to cause a scene but remarked that Ashton's behaviour was a tad childish. Luke had pretended to not notice by staring out the window, as if the airport before take-off was so interesting. Even when Ashton had gotten seated next to Luke, Luke hadn't speared the brunet a glance.  
Mostly because he was annoyed by Ashton; first the brunet wouldn't even admit he had a hickey, and now he wanted to sit next to Luke.

It just didn't make sense, and Ashton was sending Luke mixed signals. One day he wanted Luke like Luke wanted him, and the next day they were just friends. This confusing game was only a roller-coaster of heartbreak for Luke, and it was easier to ignore it than to pretend that Ashton might return his feelings.

As a reminder that the brunet seated next to Luke didn't, Luke coughed up some pink flower petals, and the blond sighed. Only a couple more days and all this would be over.

Ashton fell asleep on Luke's shoulder during the second hour. And Luke knew Ashton had fallen asleep on Luke's shoulder on purpose. As if the sly smile visible on Ashton's features wasn't a dead giveaway when he was laying his head on Luke's shoulder. Then the not so subtle leaning into Luke was a pretty good hint that Ashton did it on purpose.   
It was probably Ashton's plan all along to fall asleep on Luke like they were some kind of cute couple.

Luke let Ashton sleep at his side, but aside from that, he proceeded to ignore Ashton. And when he felt sleepy himself, he used the window as support, rather than to lean into Ashton's touch. Hoping that in a few days everything would be alright.

He was awoken by gentle shaking, and Luke guessed they had arrived their destination. A look out the window told him that was the truth, the plane had landed, and most people were moving to board off the plane. Despite the four of them had places upfront they were one of the last people to board the plane Luke noticed as he took his belongings handed to him by Ashton. Not that Luke minded, he hated the endless queue on planes. He wished the plane had some sort of arrangement for how you should enter and leave because the queue was probably the worst part of airplanes.

Not much happened at the airport, they took all of their things before Michael and Calum took a joint taxi, probably to Michael's place if not they'd go directly to Joy's house. Luke didn't know, didn't care. He'd text the boys later anyway. What he wanted was to sleep, despite he'd done the exact thing for ten hours.

Luke wanted to sleep and then call his mom to tell her about the operation before he took a shower and cried. One could never cry enough in the shower. It should be Luke's motto. Luke could already imagine it. "One could never cry enough in the shower." – Luke R. Hemmings wrote all over t-shirts, cups and even doormats. And fans quoting it like crazy. 'You know what they say about showers. One can never cry enough in the shower.'

"Earth to Luke Hemmings," Ashton teased and snapped his fingers in front of Luke's face bringing him back from the daze he'd fallen in.

"I'm sorry, I'm just a bit tired," Luke half lied, and smiled sheepish smile. "What did you say?"

"I asked you if you wanted to crash my place. I hate it when it's empty," Ashton repeated, and Luke nodded. Because how could he refuse Ashton? It was simple; he couldn't. It was almost unfair of Ashton asking him something like that because Luke would never be able to say no. Too kind, and too much in love.

"Sure," Luke replied hesitantly casting all his plans aside for Ashton. Would things like this stop happen after the operation?

-

The first thing Ashton did after getting all the luggage into his house was to kiss Luke so passionately that Luke could've mistaken them for being a long, lost couple finally reunited. The stuffy feeling in his throat, that made it hard to breathe. The feeling of constantly being chocked. The feeling that made Luke sleep badly at night, expect the nights when Ashton slept next to him. That feeling. Spoke for itself.

They weren't a couple, and Luke couldn't keep living like this.

In one moment, Ashton would pretend to love him, and in the next he Ashton would pretend like nothing ever happened. It wasn't fair because Luke was always there waiting for Ashton. Luke was like a farmer waiting for the sun, the tide waiting for the moon. But Ashton was a force of nature, independent and didn't need Luke.

Luke needed Ashton like an astronaut needed oxygen to breathe in space, but Ashton didn't need Luke in the same way. What Ashton needed was to feel less guilty (despite not having anything to feel guilty of). What Ashton needed was some company to feel less alone. He didn't need Luke.

So, for the first time ever Luke pushed Ashton away. He buried his love deep inside because he couldn't handle this. He couldn't handle with the heartbreak that would replace the small satisfying feeling that was here now. Tomorrow would bring so much hurt, that Luke thought himself better without it.

"I know you could use somebody to keep you company," Luke began, "but please, just don't use me. It hurts so much," Luke said, and his hands immediately went to his heart. He could start crying right then and there with or without a shower, but he didn't.

In a way, Luke had expected Ashton to fight back to say something, but he didn't. Luke had expected to hold a long speech on how his heart couldn't take it. He had expected Ashton to say something before Luke took his luggage and ordered a taxi, but Ashton said nothing. It was all a sign that Ashton didn't love him. The stuffy feeling in Luke's throat had never felt stuffier than ever.

Back home Luke went into the shower and stayed there 'til he couldn't cry anymore, and the drain refused to swallow the water that kept coming from the showerhead because the flower petals plugged the drain.

-

It was the day of the operation, and Luke felt odd. Of course, he would feel strange, after all, he was basically operating feelings out. Who wouldn't feel weird? However, that wasn't the part that made Luke feel weird. Neither wasn't it the nerves.

He wasn't afraid of the operation, frankly Luke just wanted it to be over. That way, he didn't need to feel the way he was now. Useless, lame and stupid. He didn't need to feel guilty for rejecting Ashton, despite it being for the better. And guilty for letting himself get what he desired.

Besides all this messing up Luke's head and feelings, there was another thing that made Luke feel weird. The stuffiness. The feeling of being chocked. The feeling of being unable to breathe because of the disease was gone. Luke didn't know what that meant.

He'd grown so accustomed to the feeling that he barely could remember how it felt breathing without problems. Luke should be relieved that the feeling was gone, but he wasn't. He felt uneasy. If the feeling was gone, what did it mean? That he'd stopped loving Ashton by himself?

Luke had gone around in his house for almost an hour desperately trying to cough up a flower petal, at least just something that could look a little pink, but nothing came. It was gone, and deep-down Luke knew it as well. The way he could breathe with ease he knew. He was somehow cured of The Hanahaki Disease. However, Luke didn't dare be hopeful.

There was an outcome where Ashton returned his feelings, but Luke knew it would only break his heart further if he let himself believe foolish hope. However, Luke knew very well that he hadn't lost his feelings for Ashton. So, what had happened? Ashton wasn't dead either, Luke knew he wasn't, so what was it.

Could it be?

Could it be that Ashton maybe, just maybe, had come to love Luke? Just as much Luke loved Ashton. In the same way? Could it be? Luke didn't dare hope, yet he could feel a spark of hope ignite. Hope was dangerous, Luke knew, but he couldn't help it. Couldn't help, but hope. He was taking the operation anyway, so what was wrong with a little hope before he'd operate out his passion and love?

His train of thoughts was interrupted by loud, fast knocking on his front door, and Luke walked barefoot to the front door. Luke didn't take long answering the door, only to be surprised by the sight standing outside. The blond didn't know what he had expected, but he hadn't expected Ashton. Only hoped it could be him. However, he was lucky enough to get one wish granted.

Ashton looked nervous, and out of breath like he'd run all the way here. Even though Luke could see Ashton's car parked outside. The honey haired male looked tired, and the clothes he wore looked like they'd just been thrown on. Despite this, Ashton looked good. He always did in Luke's eyes.

"Luke," Ashton began, but Luke interrupted him.

"Don't. I already know. The feeling in my chest is gone," Luke said, he didn't want to expect the best, but he didn't want to expect the worst either, so he kept the sentence short.

"I think I love you," Ashton confessed, and looked nervous. Almost like he was afraid of rejection. Which was strange, didn't Ashton know that Luke was in love with him? The only one who'd meet rejection of the two of them was Luke.

"I know," Luke replied with a half smirk. Even though he'd woken up with lungs clear from the flower petals, only now, in this very moment., did it feel easier to breathe. "I love you too."

"No shit, idiot," Ashton replied as if it wasn't obvious already. Luke knew it was, but he still wanted to return the words. It felt right to share those words with Ashton, and no one else. "When you pushed me away, in my house, I felt so devastated. When you left it, it was heartbreaking. And I just felt like an idiot. I never considered how you must've felt. I thought it made you happy because you wanted us to be a couple. I never thought that it hurt to see something you never thought you could have. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to explain," Luke said with sincerity. He knew Ashton had meant good. He could see it now, though back then all he'd gotten was frustrating mixed signals. "I told you not to feel guilty. You should've listened to me."

"It's hard to control your feelings," Ashton argued, with a slight smirk playing on his lips. Teasing Luke, because this scene felt so familiar.

"I should know," Luke half joked, though they both knew it was the truth. However, it felt alright at this moment, because Luke wasn't standing there with unrequited feelings. He was standing there with a boy he loved, who loved him back.

"I guess somewhere along the way, I actually fell for you, the way you'd treat me right by always putting me first. Even when it was visibly hurting you. I just didn't realise before Calum said so," Ashton continued his story.

"Calum?" Luke quirked a brow.

"I called him, like a sobbing mess right after you left, and he told me to get my shit together and confess my love. First, I thought he was telling jokes, but the more I thought about it, the more did it make sense. It wasn't before yesterday when I just wished you were around all the time, I realised that 'shit, I love Luke'. Then it took me a day to man up and confess..-"

"You talk too damn much," Luke interrupted Ashton a second time. However, this time he leaned in and kissed Ashton. For the first time of their many joint kisses, did it feel right. Luke didn't feel like he was eating the forbidden fruit, or guilty of anything. He could just enjoy the kiss and its purity, and that's all he had ever wanted. All he had ever wanted was this. Kissing Ashton like nothing in the world didn't matter. Just the two of them, and for some seconds, it felt like that was the reality. Luke and Ashton were in their own little bubble. Sealed away from the evil world.

"Not talking is fine with me," Ashton replied when they parted for oxygen before they leaned into a kiss again. Yeah, this was exactly what Luke had wanted. And it was also what Ashton had secretly wanted to, the brunet came to realise when he threaded his fingers through Luke's blond curls to deepen the kiss.

Maybe crushing on your bandmate wasn't so bad after all? At least, not when the bandmate was Ashton.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my tumblr Lasht0n-trash, thanks for reading so far!! Hope you all enjoyed my work!


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